A little report about my current condition. I can' take it anymore. All my efforts i put to gain control on my mind were useless. There is so big cloud of darkest emotions that are killing me. I still cry almost every day like a little girl. When i don't feel like crying, im starting to feel the incredibly strong anger and hate. I hate myself, i hate my life, i hate my ex, i hate my ex-friend, i hate this ******* rotten world so much i don't want to live anymore. But somehow i fear death more than i hate life. Its all this stupid biological programming. If a person, such as myself, hate his life so much he should end it. But im afraid of death and its pathetic. I don't value a life for the fact itself. I don't know if its possible to crawl out of this and enjoy living once again. I can feel this deep and painful scar on my soul literally. Its sitting in my chest area and it wont ever go away. Also, on my way from work and studies i see a lot of beautiful girls in public transport and its so painful to look at them. I feel so angry and frustrated because i see my ex in every pretty face. Today i had a chance to approach one of them and i didn't do it. I thought "man just look at yourself, you are complete depressive disaster, why the hell she would make out with you?". And after she disappear in the dark, there was bitter feeling of ultimate disappointment in myself. If only i could sit in my home and never go out again. Those girls are everywhere and i don't want to see their existence.

Yes, she was and probably will be the last.