I thought some more about this and I wanna change my answer lol

It's my self worth/blame/esteem issues.

I've come to realize that I can't deal with the idea of the things that have happened to me not being my fault.

Because if it's not my fault then there is no reason for all the bad things.

I need there to be a reason. I don't know why but I hate the idea of there not being one.