Hey all,

Sometimes I get happy and sad at the same time. It's been happening a lot more frequently lately. Or where I have thoughts that race all over the place...fly in and out..."yeah, I'm okay, no I'm not, yes I am, I'm happy, I actually want to die." Or "my friends care about me, no they don't, they love me, no they think you're a burden." A couple nights ago I wrote a suicide note (never planned on actually following through) that was all about how I knew people loved me and life wasn't horrible but I couldn't deal with my illness anymore so I had to leave earth and go somewhere better. (How much sense does that even make? Knowing there is stuff to live for and people who care, but still wanting to die?!)

And it's coupled with anxiety as well which is like "oh no, don't think about that! If you think about that you'll want to die. If you don't get better soon, you're going to die! But I don't want to. But I do."

I think I might have a bit of like delusion going on to like "Oh, I'll just call/text my girlfriend" or "I'll tell my girlfriend about this" until I realize I haven't actually had one in like three months. Or sometimes I get really excited thinking like "Oh, there's something fun happening tonight" and then realize there isn't actually anything going on.

I feel like I'm going insane because I have no real control over my thoughts. Even when thoughts I don't like come up, I find myself panicing for a coping mechanism and pretty much repeatedly chanting and yelling it at myself very quickly in my brain. Example: "No, I'm not ganna think about that" or "These thoughts are bad" or "Calm down, rachael, calm down! Calm down!" But I don't tell myself only once when I finally find the coping mechanism, I tell myself about a thousand times and it's not in a nice voice...more of an annoyed and panicked one.

I just got dizzy writing all of that too. =/

How can I deal with this? The fact this is happening makes me even more anxious. About 4 years ago, I think I had this feeling for like 7 months without knowing it...then I got hospitalized and they diagnosed me with Bipolar and put me on meds. I'm really trying to avoid something like that happening again.

I have spoken with my mom. She says I should just see a therapist or psychiatrist. But sometimes I think I need inpatient or something. I do feel like a danger to myself sometimes and that I could be a verbal danger to my friends (if I exploded on them or said something stupid/irrational to them). But I have too much going on and it's the holidays and I only feel that bad (like right now) sometimes and not all the time.

Can anyone help? How can I deal with this so it doesn't end badly?

Thanks,
Rachael