I'm doing better. I've been really up and down over this, not in a bipolar way, though. Just between self-hatred and feeling alright. No elation, though my energy level has been very high despite sleep deprivation.

I made a list of my strengths. I was surprised to find that I could think of quite a few. Here they are:

-my intelligence
-my creativity
-my quirky way of seeing the world
-my interest in philosophy
-my persistence/refusal to give up
-my spiritual view/my belief that every human soul is worth the same amount, infinity
-my compassion
-my friendly nature
-my ability to know that my emotions are irrational even though I can't change them
-my self-preserverence/ the fact that I've never actually attempted sui
-the fact that most people who give me a chance like me

Earlier, I was reflecting on how people with BPD don't know who they are, and how while it might look like I'm that way (because I'm always changing career plans, etc) the truth is that I know who I am. And I know what I want to do. I want to help people with MI; I just don't know if I could do that best and least painfully as a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a writer.

I know who I am, I'm just complex. Like one of those beautiful roses that have different colored petals. I have some thorns, but I also have a beautiful flower. Then I started hating myself again, and I felt like someone had cut my flower off and I would never regrow it. I would always just an ugly, flowerless stalk with thorns on it. But I feel better now.

Thanks Didgee for sharing your experiences. It comforts me, knowing that someone else has gone through the same experience. And it turns out that you're not borderline, so maybe I'm not either, despite this reaction! I love what your mom told you. So comforting.