I understand completely what you are going thru. I'm on five meds and still find no happiness or joy out of life. One of the meds I'm on cymbalta seems to take the edge off but I still get sui thoughts here and there. My pdoc is at a loss of what to do with me. I'm actively In therapy, have done dbt, have been impatient 6 times and am involved in aa. I have an optimistic heart but my head says otherwise. Going to the hospital isn't fun but it's totally worth it if yr life is in danger. NEVER hesitate to go if you feel sui. They can get yr meds stabilized and keep you safe. I hope you find some relief soon. It's really tough...be kind to yrself