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I just realized something about my two suicide attempts in September 1998. They killed the BPD traits in me (self-injury and chronic suicidal ideation). I never self-injured since then and only thought about suicide twice both times during major depressive episodes.
At the time I was 20 and decided to do myself in because of my BPD diagnosis. I was so despondent. It felt pointless to keep on trying. No one was listening. All they were doing was judging and telling me that I was sexually abused. None of this was making sense and the medications were making me worse.
Years later I learned they were medicating my ASD which isn't a mental illness at all. No wonder I got nasty side effects that appeared to be symptoms of mental illness. They also assumed my ASD traits were due to bad parenting and a bad relationship with my mother. That was such BS. We with ASD have interpersonal problems because we are naturally not socially adept, not because we lack identity and fear being alone.
When my mother met my psychiatrist in 2013 she told her that the clinicians at the pediatric hospital blamed her for my problems when I was teenager. They implied she was a bad mother who abused her children. None of that was true at all. This is what happens when clinicians try to fit one into a diagnosis. It was all due to the assumptions that came with the BPD label.
This has left me traumatized. Thanks psychiatry for being indolent and haphazard ****heads.
My relationship with my mother is good and strong. I was really close to her in childhood and always felt loved by her. Our relationship got strained in adolescence but we became close again.
Surprisingly the psychosis I went through 5 years after my suicide attempts began my healing journey. Finally I had a diagnosis that was obvious to the doctors and myself. It wasn't drug induced like my BPD symptoms were. The illness permitted me to embrace who I am which lead into my discovery of the HSP and eventually ASD.
I always knew I was right (and so was my mother) about my misdiagnosis.
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Dx: Didgee Disorder
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