So I've been seeing a new counselor weekly for about two months now. And I feel like we're still in the 'getting to know you phase.' But today's session really bothered me and I wanted some feedback.

First a little background. I'm seeing her for a variety of reasons, but mainly to help get over a fear I have of taking medications. I had a bad year medication wise. In the late winter I developed severe hyponatremia, probably exacerbated by the SSRI I was on. Then I was put on Saphris and had a rough time on that. Finally, this summer I was prescribed klonopin and had a paradoxical reaction to it which triggered either a month-long dysphoric mania or a month long non-stop panic attack, or something. All I know is that it was crazy and wrecked my life and I'm still having trouble dealing with it. So I've been off all meds (except for prazosin) for five months now, and that's been it's own special hell.

I moved back in with my mom this fall, relocating from North Carolina to Virginia, because I was doing so poorly. Finally found a pdoc up here and I feel like he misdiagnosed me and prescribed zoloft. Now, I was just diagnosed in NC as BP1 in August . . . and I think that's the correct diagnosis.
So I don't want to take zoloft . . . I'm worried it'll trigger another dysphoric mania. And being told, "You won't know until you try," isn't very consoling. Cause if I freak out on it the pdoc will be safely ensconced in his ivory tower while I'm going through hell.

Anyway, to get to the point . . . . I don't want the zoloft, I want to go back on seroquel .... which the new pdoc wouldn't prescribe until our next appointment (on Dec 23). My counselor knows all this, but yet today she accused me of not wanting to get better because I refuse the zoloft.

I feel so hurt and betrayed and misunderstood by that statement. After all the tears and pain, therapy, medications and unanswered prayers I've gone through not just this past year but the past four years, to have her imply I don't want to get better just drives me up the wall. The past four years I've been begging and pleading for help from someone and then to be told I don't want to get better . . . grrrrrr. It's not my fault that I have bipolar and have been misdiagnosed by this new dr, it's not my fault that I have weird reactions to meds and am scared of them. I feel like my counselor is blaming me.

I know, I know, I should bring it up at our next session .... but right now I'm not sure there's going to be a next session. Anyway, thanks for reading this long-winded rant.