I have been hurting so much.

My T is going to a conference next week so she'll miss our session. I already miss her

Today's session was rough. A lot was discussed though. We kinda got into a little argument. She said that I'm labeling her and pushing her away. She asked what is the benefit of seeing her. She told me that she's on my side and that she's not fighting me.

We talked about my co-dependency to her (I hate that word). That was a difficult and embarrassing conversation. I still have an issue being attached to someone younger than me. I told her I feared her pushing me away because I'm too "needy". She said that we won't start working on distancing until I no longer panic over the idea.

We also talked about:
* My need to always prove things to her (she got mad at a spreadsheet I made to pro e to her all the people I've lost).
* About how I'm upset over her missing next week.
* About boundaries, how I respect hers but also how I constantly fear over-stepping them.
* About my fear of her being mad or upset at me.
* How I easily lose connection to her.
* How the trauma I've experienced has affected me emotionally, has caused me to be overly sensitive, but has also allowed me to love people so deeply.
* About how she cares about me and worries about me.
* About my boyfriend being verbally abusive again.

And she promised she wasn't going to leave me. She also said she'll email me sometime next week. She wouldn't tell me when because she wants to surprise me. She also said that I can email her and she will read them, but I can't call her

It's only one extra week. Why is it so difficult? Why do I lose my connection? Especially, when all her words and actions have only proved to me she cares and is safe. I wish I could just "snap out of it".