I'm sorry you've been hurting so much lately, and that your T is leaving in the middle of that. Sounds like bad timing on her part
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She told me that she's on my side and that she's not fighting me.
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Were you able to feel that from your conversation? That's a big issue for me (being "on my side") that I had talked to my T about from very early on. I know it's easy to lose that feeling... I hope your T was able to help you get it back!
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We talked about my co-dependency to her (I hate that word).
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I'm not sure I understand this? I thought we were supposed to attach to our Ts, to help us heal our stuff? I though co-dependency was something entirely different and less healthy?
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It's only one extra week. Why is it so difficult? Why do I lose my connection? Especially, when all her words and actions have only proved to me she cares and is safe. I wish I could just "snap out of it".
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I wish I knew what to say. It's hard. I wonder if the "why" has to do with what you wrote to me (in the thread about SAT scores) - you have a LOT of experience with people rejecting or abandoning you. There's part of your brain that says, "Oh... wait a second... you're going out of town, you're cancelling our normal session... oh no! I KNOW what this is about! I've been down this road before - NO!!!"
That's what my brain does, anyway
. And it feels true, because to your brain, it IS. I mean, if you've seen a similar pattern 100 times... how do you convince yourself that "oh this one is different". I think it's meant to be adaptive, to help us identify and avoid dangerous or painful situations, but... clearly that whole mechanism gets screwed up if we come from an environment that is FULL of dangerous/screwed up situations and people.
Hang in there ScarletPimpernel! And, I hope you can find some relief in the nice things that your T said! I know it's hard to believe them (for me too!) but sometimes it helps a bit to just replay the nice parts in your mind.. maybe?