Quote:
Originally Posted by guilloche
 I'm sorry you've been hurting so much lately, and that your T is leaving in the middle of that. Sounds like bad timing on her part  |
She gave me way advanced notice about the conference because she knows I struggle when she has to miss a session.
Quote:
Originally Posted by guilloche
I'm not sure I understand this? I thought we were supposed to attach to our Ts, to help us heal our stuff? I though co-dependency was something entirely different and less healthy?
|
It's my level of attachment. I know it's not healthy. I depend on her to stay alive. It puts a huge burden on her, one that no one wants. It's extreme because I have been so deprived of feeling cared for both in the past and present. But it also serves its purpose. W/o it, I could never develop the connection with her. And she knows this. She told me that she wants to give me all the support I need, but she just can't do that. So she provides me as much as she can. But it's times like these when she can't be there which makes the attachment dangerous.
Quote:
Originally Posted by guilloche
I wonder if the "why" has to do with what you wrote to me (in the thread about SAT scores) - you have a LOT of experience with people rejecting or abandoning you. There's part of your brain that says, "Oh... wait a second... you're going out of town, you're cancelling our normal session... oh no! I KNOW what this is about! I've been down this road before - NO!!!"
That's what my brain does, anyway  . And it feels true, because to your brain, it IS. I mean, if you've seen a similar pattern 100 times... how do you convince yourself that "oh this one is different". I think it's meant to be adaptive, to help us identify and avoid dangerous or painful situations, but... clearly that whole mechanism gets screwed up if we come from an environment that is FULL of dangerous/screwed up situations and people. |
You know, it's always interesting how someone can give advice or support and not realize that what they are saying (or writing) applies to them too. It's kind of a "duh" moment. It's why we can relate.
Yeah, my past has taught me that people leave. But it's frustrating because my reaction is overly extreme (imo). I understand the logic behind the situation: T going to conference to learn more, then spending time on a mini vacation with family, she promised to not leave me, she cares about me, etc. I understand the logic behind the emotions: I fear people leaving me due to my past, I fear having a crisis and being alone. But the emotions still exist, and it's frustrating!!! Similar to you, I kinda feel guilty for my feelings and doubts. She has proven herself to me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. Yet the fears still come up.
I will definitely be trying to hold onto and remind myself of all the ways my T has showed me she cares. Right now, I find the most comforting things are the long hug she gave me today, that she actually used the word promise when I asked her to not leave me, and that sometime next week I know she will email me.
It just hurts and is scary.
Thank you Guilloche