As the holidays are coming up, I'm feeling very odd in therapy and how I feel towards my therapist. On one hand I'm longing for her in a childlike way: wishing I could spend Christmas with her, wishing she could hug me or sit and cuddle with me (wow, I can't believe I'm actually admitting that), etc. However, on the other hand, I don't want to want any of this so I'm trying to find ways to be with myself and not with her or the memory of her when I'm not in therapy.

A few weeks ago she wrote me a letter to hold onto for times when I'm in need of a reminder that things can and will be okay. During the break, which will be almost the weeks, I want to give this letter back to her to keep in the room. I don't want her to be upset by this, but I really can't keep it with me. I am really worried that the message would lose its meaning to me and instead the letter, which represents my therapist, will become a substitute for her presence. I found last year that when I was sad and hurting I reread many if her emails to me. I realized quickly that what was being said on the emails no longer mattered, just the fact that they were from her. Once I figured that out I deleted all of them. It's the exact same feeling, but I don't want that to happen with this letter because it is a great therapeutic letter!

I know I will be talking to my therapist about this next session, but I want to see if this makes sense and if anyone else experiences similar wants and worries.