I hate talking to some people about my eating disorder, mainly because mainstream people automatically assume it is solely for superficial reasons- oh you wanna look like all the celebs- I couldn't give a ****- oh you want to be skinny- yes, because I assume so much unhappiness with being fat and nothing else.

I was a Victim of CSA and as a 7 year old you don't have much else to turn too beside food. It was my comfort and escape, along with the world inside my head. I got fat, really fat. And stayed that way into teens. Then I found drugs and alcohol and eating was no longer a priority. Once I decided I wanted more for myself years later I quit cold turkey and food come back into my life stronger than before. That's when I got really good at purging, learning all the tips. I yoyoed between b/ping and restricting for so many years. It was like a cycle, only easing up when alcohol and drugs came back. Self ha was just a little extra boost of mood enhancement.

I remember when the binge purge was really bad I gained LOADS of weight, so now that I am in another b/p cycle, I associate gaining weight with being terribly depressed and not wanting to leave the house etc. this time I am loosing loads of weight, probably a combo of restricting and I know this probably just fuels the ED on, but even tho it's superficial happy, seeing the weight go down on the scale makes me feel so much better than any drug could.

Out of everything, I was a coke head, acid and mescaline where at least a 4 day a week ordeal, drinking was everyday? I was a desperate alcoholic, stealing liquor if I would spill a drink of rum I would (very embarrassed to admit) slurp it up off the counter or even the floor I was that desperate. I could finish a 2-6 on my own... Out of all of that this ****ing ED is the hardest to let go. Part of me stills tells myself, it's not hurting anything. 10 more pounds and I will be done... It's an obsession and maybe I still need an obsession because I am not ready to deal with life.

I love and hate my ED.