It would be a lot simpler if I could just kill myself and get it over with. But I have a kid. I figure she'd be better off without me, but her mom tells me that she would feel ashamed and spend many years wondering why I didn't love her enough. So I'm trapped here, and every minute is a torment. I've been in counseling/psychotherapy for 30 years, but the last six years have just gone completely downhill. I can't even make myself get out of bed to go to counseling any more.

I've tried getting psychiatric help, but there are obstacles everywhere I turn. The first obstacle is that I live in a small town with only a handful of psychiatrists, most of whom aren't taking new patients. I found one. On his new patient form I went into detail, talking about my painful history of being sexually abused by my mother and her abusive husband. This shrink's very first words to me were, "So, you think you were sexually abused?" Apparently many people are unfazed by such a question, but I was astonished. I can't work with someone who is so disconnected from my pain. Would he even be interested in whether his prescriptions were helping me? Would he even listen to my descriptions of my subjective experience? I doubt it. And I'm not into the idea of trying to teach my doctor how to be more in touch with his patient's emotional state.

I live within a day's drive of UC Davis and Stanford, and they both have mental health programs. But one of them has a weird insurance rule that excludes me. The other requires a referral from a psychiatrist. The guy who was mean to me says he won't give me a referral without first trying to "help" me himself. My local public health department can't seem to do anything other than give me a list of local psychiatrists who aren't taking new patients.

So I don't know what to do. I really, really hate being alive, and I wish I could just hurry up and die. I don't want my daughter to suffer, but my own suffering counts for something in the equation. I could be trapped here for another 40 years before I finally die of old age. That's a long time to suffer like this. I don't want my daughter to suffer shame or feel unloved, but at some point my suffering outweighs even hers. I don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any advice? If it's something like "Swallow your pride and see the mean guy," that's fine. I am not too concerned about other people's interpretation of my motivations for not seeing him. I just want to see if anyone else has ideas for solutions. Thanks everyone.

P.S. I saw a post by a person who no longer wants to live. I imagine there are a lot of people here who feel that way. To you folks, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for you if your pain is anything like mine. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.