My obsessive thoughts are driving me nuts. I wrote here about how Thanksgiving was rough because the week prior my sister called and told me that she did not want me or my family to come to her house. It caused a huge rift with the whole family and put a dark cloud over the whole day. It took me being quiet to have my dad come to the realization that "I" did not cause the whole problem like he usually thinks.

However, recently he made this declaration that all he wants for Christmas is for the family to get together at my sister's home for Christmas. Awesome! I understand that completely and am resigned that I have to spend our family's celebration at my sister's home that does not want me there. By the time I get done obsessing over it on the 24th, I will be totally miserable. I don't know how to avoid this happening. I am already obsessing over it 2 weeks beforehand.

Plus I'm now having serious financial issues and it looks like I am going to have about 10 cents to spend on 4 grandchildren for Christmas. I am adopting 'Scrooge' mentality and refuse to put up one Christmas decoration or the tree I have. Every holiday is a problem for me anymore.

In my former life, pre-mental illness, I decorated to the hilt, enjoyed shopping for presents. I was all in. Trying to ignore the signs that some people could care less if I existed or bought them gifts at all, such as my sister. Now it is all glaringly clear and in my face. Yesterday I spoke with my dad and noticed that I was being rather *****y in general because of all this. Why would he even want us all together in this situation? I realize that he thinks that my mental illness is the problem and that my dear sister has no responsibility for divide she has caused in the whole family.

In proof reading this, I realize that I come off sounding like a drama queen that is creating havoc in my family, but I assure you that is not the case. I just keep taking the abuse and have to be quiet about everything. As per usual. I don't see getting any peace of mind about the holidays this year and I think that is a real shame.