Hello, i dont understand my recent reactions regarding my new boyfriend and would like some help, please.

I have a history of CSA and very little experiences with guys due to my physical and emotional intimacy dread. for a while i have been wondering if i am asexual and/or aromantic too.

i have known this guy forever. we have been only friends for some time and we've already been a couple for a little while before too (10 years ago for a few months). at the time, i was too messed up/frightened to make it work, but now i've been in therapy, i feel almost completely healed from past wounds and i dont want to let my fears ruin it all again. i trust him and i love him and i want to build a future together with him. i am sure he is the one. we're able to talk about everything, he knows about my issues and is understanding and supportive.

for the first time in my life i am not disgusted by kisses (even though i dont like the tongue much and i dont feel the need to keep kissing all the time while he loves it) and i even feel aroused when we are together (new thing for me).

BUT today we were playing volleyball together and the only thing i could think of when he was next to me was that i didnt want him to touch me. why? i felt as if i hated him. for no reason at all. i dont hate him. i love him.

and i found an excuse not to have dinner together. i am afraid im going to start to feel trapped again. i like to be with him and when we are together im happy, but i feel like its too much. too much too often.

its been 5 days since we decided to be a couple and give it a try. shouldnt i long to be with him? am i just scared or what? maybe i am not made for being in a relationship? but thats all i want! i finally have it and im afraid of ruining it all.

anyone has gone through something similar? whats happening? any thoughts?
any input will be greatly appreciated. im scared of myself.
thanks.