It's called TRAPPED, not using......been there myself & it's taken 7 years after I moved 2100 miles away from this bad 33 year marriage to finally be able to file for the divorce.

Nice guy.....right....same thing here....but I also for my situation have figured out that his.....only this last summer did I finally figure out that the issues I was dealing with had to do with Asperger's. I was running through passive aggressive & it didn't fit 100%.....& it was definitely financial & mental abuse.....but I can see where it wasn't intentional....it was the environment that his behaviors caused.......

The final straw for me was that I had gone through a trauma with the home care person when my mother was dying of cancer...so I was dealing with PTSD & really messed up with anorexia from the stress.....& H had this thing that he could NEVER ask for help & he always KNEW EVERYTHING.....so why ask???? so he blew it big time doing the taxes on my inheritance & I owed a huge amount to the IRS.......made him pay it with a retirement fund that he had been sitting on which I figured was 1/2 mine anyway in the separation.

I thought I was reading a post that I had written when I was reading what you wrote. My H had this belief that if he didn't tell me then he wasn't lying....but I clued him in.....being silent is the same thing as lying!!!!.

I actually had a computer engineering career until the last 13 years of living with him & stupid me.....I hid out in my career & he kept telling me that 2 can live cheaper than one & since I wasn't wanting to leave the marriage for someone else....we might as well leave it as a business partnership (HUGE MISTAKE!!!!!)......when my career ended...I was trapped in the dang marriage & couldn't get out because of the financial situation & the house being upside down & all the medical bills I was having in the psych hospitals.....realize now that they were my escape from the bad marriage as was the suicide attempts as I felt that was my only way out.....but sort of messed myself up also because the IRA money was gone paying off medical bills & all the thinking was that I was depressed because of the loss of my career (including me).....so obviously buying things with money we didn't have would solve my depression problem & by that time I was so messed up, I couldn't have handled the finances....I had already bailed us out once & he didn't learn from what I was teaching him (I also had an accounting degree along with a computer science minor)

I couldn't figure out how such a nice guy with such a high IQ could be so absolutely dysfunctional & have absolutely NO common sense. There were issues before we got married back in 1975....but I didn't understand what was causing them.....ended up being the same things that I finally left him for (attitude issues, inability to communicate, & financial incapability) & over 33 years of having to deal with him & his personality I actually grew to hate him & actually see red anytime I had to be near him.....having anything to do with him was nothing but a total nightmare & still is. The divorce papers have gone out to him.....however if he deals with it like he did the IRS....he completely ignored them ....who in their right mind ignores the IRS....& doesn't even tell me about the IRS letter??? So I see him ignoring the divorce papers (they get mailed since we live in different states).

Looking back I am sorry that I didn't just push through the divorce since I have ended up with NOTHING anyway.....& he would always tell me when I said I was going to file that he wouldn't let this or that go & would fight me.....just to manipulate my staying. Found out at one on the last times we were together that he didn't want to get divorced because he thought it would make him look like a failure (duh....you think that your wife leaving you 7 years ago & leaving everything doesn't say the same thing????)....he definitely has a strange way of looking at things.

Anyway....I lived in a separate wing/area of our home for over 13 years before I could finally leave & it was HELL.....so I would basically suggest going ahead just sorting out what it the best way to separate the assets & the liabilities & get out before it gets worse.....but that's based on my own experience......only you really know what you have to deal with & that can definitely be the determining factor when it comes down to it.

Think that one can file for separation & that stops any of his financial messes of being assigned to you after that point....only things before end up being divided.....but you might want to go to a free consult of a divorce lawyer & ask for their input.....that can give you better insight of what you are really dealing with.

Like I said...sadly, I really relate to what you are going through .....there is definitely an out....but it's not always that easy to get there.