Hello guys.

I'm struggling again. This time, though, it's worse than it's been for over two years. I'm really not sure of how to write this because I just can't find it in myself to control my thought process and the words in my head are floating around and they all branch off to different sentences. Really I'm just unable to finish an entire sentence without wanting to scream, stamp my feet and run away just inside my head - writing it down or saying it aloud is almost an impossibility.

My eyes keep filling with tears but I can't find it in myself to cry. I think crying might help a little but there's nothing coming out. It's almost as though the despair is nearly equal to the contradictory numb feeling coexisting with the loss of hope or vision of a future.

I got a job a couple of months ago. After being discharged from the mental health team back to the care of my GP and being stable unmedicated for some time, I believed that this time it would be different - that is, I'd be able to stay in the job for longer than a couple of months. Working is difficult. I enjoy my new job (most of the time) and made a few social connections to the point of attending the staff Christmas party last weekend. I mostly want to stay working there but it's not that straightforward. It's never straightforward. Bear with me, I'm struggling to carry on typing. Even that feels a chore right now, and I normally love blogging, writing and the feel of the cold plastic keys beneath my fingers. Not today. Not for a few days.

Basically, I'm on a disability benefit called Employment and Support Allowance. Under the benefit rules, I'm allowed to do Permitted Work - upto 15.5 hours per week. That's what I've been doing. My minimum contract is 6.5 hours. However, after next week I've been given 34 hours. After that, the amount of hours I get go back down. So I'd be going over the limit for a couple of weeks which means my benefit will be stopped. And then when my hours go back to normal, I'll be without benefit and without enough hours to afford to live.

One part of my mind says to forfeit the benefit but really, that's not ideal. Sure it's experience and a reference which I desperately need for the future. But I'm not sure I have the stability for that much work a week. In fact, I struggle even with 10 hours a week. But that's not, I want to stay. But staying is risky. Going is risky. I'm so lost and alone with this choice.

But really it's completely irrelevant. Stay or go. What's the point? I'm not happy where I am. I don't want to be here; be this person. I want to do something I truly enjoy. My life seems to be irreparably ruined. Just the huge mess of a situation I'm in. I want to run away. Maybe not wake up in the morning.

I keep meaning to make a doctor's appointment to get my meds looked at, but I have to be up before 9am for that. I've started sleeping most of the day again. Anything but get out of bed and face life. It's just all horrible. Sickening. I'm stuck. Help? What is the help? Stabilise my moods again? Then what? I'm still stuck being a failure. Stuck with the prospect of just being somewhere I don't want to be. Is it too much to ask to be able to follow my dreams?

Nobody in my life right now can help. I'm not even alone in a physical sense. I'm just alone because nobody can help me now. What can anyone do?

The suicidal thoughts are almost constant because I feel like the situation I'm in is inescapable. I feel trapped in my OWN life! The choices I can make are all losing choices and there's nothing I can do to fix it all.

"Is anyone out there? I need your help. Somebody that can help me." I don't know if there is.