How am I doing? Well, let me see. I am doing way well in the area, that I know why I feel why I do, as the list of the symptoms I have , at times, I have them all, not all at once, but I do have them. I have been pretty much isolated in my home for at least ten years. No one really knows why, but I did, and not until the last three years, did I find a doctor that got it right. I had a series of really traumatic events since being a premie , and an only child. I was abused by at least one sexual predators, starting in high school. I never thought I deserved a good guy, and I attracted either verbal abusers, male and female, and married into a narcissistic family, and in the last three years I was in a really bad abusive , mentally, relationship, that was and is the reason that I put all of this together, and for that I am grateful.
I, until the last two to threeyears, took all the blame for everyone in each relationship, from my youth til the last two years. i not only took blame for me, but all of the abusers til maybe a year ago. I did not know how to set boundaries, which I do now, but I am pretty sure I was a victim of a personality disordered male if not more, and also a couple females, as well. One a boss, one a inlaw, female. I drew disdain from those types of people like magnets to steel. I understand and am looking at these things as lessons, and that i made it this far, and am grateful, but the freezing, isolating, not sure if that is a common thing, have read it is. i get flashbacks, of things, use to not sleep, have some really clear times now, and some that i have to realize that i feel very small, like a little kid, and want to go and be alone. I had many relatives and friends pass growing up, and it seemed that everyone i would be close to, i would be taken to a funeral home setting, for many years as a kid. i use to have dreams of people sitting up in caskets, and getting out, and talking to everyone in the funeral home. i dreamed that people died, years before they did. i was raised in sunday school. I love God, and have always loved people, and I guess I should even ask if this is the correct area of this site to even tell my story. I have had one really traumatic time of a home intruder at age twelve or so, and i was dreaming of that forever. please let me know if there are any books to read, or work books to get to go with them. i am knowing that every lesson learned is for a reason, and i am putting this all together for a reason. i know i will be fine. thanks, peace