Well , Once again Bipolar has raised its ugly head and slapped you down

You in a tough spot, personally you need the benefits more than the one week of 34 hours that honestly is doubtful you could even manage to get through. Work needs to cut you back to what you are able to do and if not then it's time to find something new,better, more in tune with something that will feed your desire for something that you will enjoy and not just muddle through because you need/have too.

You have been in the lousy spot before, when your "in it" its hard to see that it indeed will turn around. Bipolar blindness I call it. It just flat sucks.

Right now you need to take the first step... Call your Doctor, medications put your back on stable ground in the past , tweeked here and there when needed but your feet were on the ground .

I feel for you, I really do. Your young and wondering about your future and how to find what you want and need , the struggle to get there. It's an over whelming mountain with no clear path to even start on. Your suicidal thinking is what it is, a cry for help. Its Bipolar lying and twisting your thoughts into dark ugly places.

Call your Doctor.. Go see him... Give yourself time, time to allow the monster to shrink back down to that manageable size that you can look at and go about your day , your life.

When was the last time you did something nice for yourself ? A movie? a book? a favorite food? A special anything? That is when Bipolar takes over the controls, when you stop being good to yourself. So now you need to reverse, go back to the self care and rewarding yourself for doing well and taking care of mind body and soul.

RB you can do this, you are stronger than you think right now, you looking thru dark sunglasses in the dead of night. not reality of what is possible. We all get thrashed around the Bipolar monster machine and spit out the other side. Each time we think we lose more of ourselves, but the truth is we learn more about ourselves.

I actually remember your first post here. You were like most all of us , stumble upon PC and give it a whirl, You have been a mess and then back on your feet, I'm sure you remember seeing me down and out and you cheered me on. Bipolar Cycles , its the way it goes.

Call your Doctor, drag yourself in if you must to the appointment. You know what meds helped and didnt help in the past , this is the knowledge you didnt have in the past, now you do. Use it, give yourself time to pull yourself back in one piece. You owe yourself that much. You will find that span of time that you are going to be stable and will see a future and the kind of life you want, you can get there. No one has ugly cycles forever.

(((RB)))