I usually just have sex since I owe him putting up with me, but apparently it's not good enough because I don't enjoy it? I asked if I could just pleasure him and be done with it, but that's not good enough…if I weren't selfish and horrible, wouldn't I be able to enjoy it like I'm supposed to?

Also, if I wasn't such an annoying, awful person in general, I wouldn't need to make up for it with sex. I mean, he's the first person who's been able to stand me. I'm afraid that he'll stop being able to stand me if I don't get better at enjoying sex.

I just don't see what's supposed to be enjoyable about having sex with another person. They can't touch you correctly and they can't do much more than you can already do to yourself. I've never understood how emotional closeness is supposed to come from it…I only bond through doing stuff together and talking.

Overall, I resent the fact that the world has lied to me about sex…about it being enjoyable, about it having anything to do with "love" (maybe I misunderstood that). Only on my side could it have something to do with love (he's only able to care at the moment and I can't even mention the L word) as why else would someone suffer through this for the benefit of another person? I rarely get any benefit from sex, yet I always give in to his needs…even after standing up for myself and saying not tonight, I still end up doing it because he ended up arousing me too much. If I just don't feel like it/can't handle it, wouldn't it be fair for him NOT to arouse me to the point I have to say yes because it hurts to be turned on that much. But it's not like there's any release though.

To be fair though, between Asperger's and lack of experience with women/successful relationships, I don't think he realizes what he's doing or that it's hurtful. I'm not sure how to break the news to him that he can't seem to really let me say no and there's always been an element of force/coercion lurking under the surface of what seems to be completely consensual.