You should definitely try your best to clearly explain what you’re having to deal with. It sounds like he cares about you, and wouldn’t want you to go through unnecessary pain – he just doesn’t know that you’re going through so much for him. In my experience – my partner of 3 years is on the autism spectrum, one of my best friends has Asperger’s – they will appreciate it if you explain what is going on, and it’s worse if you let it build up. Then they’re being shut out from how you really feel, and when they find out it is hurtful. The sooner you can discuss this honestly with him, the better.
I don’t think anyone’s trying to lie to you about sex. At least I’m not. I get a lot of benefit from sex, and probably enjoy it more than my partner. When he’s doing things correctly, it feels SO much better than I could ever achieve on my own. Maybe not quicker to orgasm, but certainly more enjoyable along the way. Often it’s not what I would do on my own, but sometimes he gets angles/places I can’t reach or get at that feel good, or does things that surprise me and turn me on more. And it does lead to feelings of closeness and love, when it’s done right, and with the right person.
I’ve had my share of bad and mediocre experiences – and what you’re saying about not feeling anything resonates with me. Are you in a good place emotionally? Are you actually okay with having sex? If you aren’t okay with having sex, even if it’s awkward to say no, or you will have to deal with being turned on, you’ll save yourself future emotional pain if you say no very firmly and remove yourself from the situation if you can. When I have sex just to make the other person happy, and I do not enjoy it or dislike it/experience pain, I cause myself months to years of emotional and sexual dysfunction. I can tell you more in a PM, but not comfortable with posting it to everyone.
I don’t think you’re experiencing pain because you’re selfish and horrible – first of all, you don’t seem selfish or horrible in any way (you’re concerned about your partner’s feelings and you’re putting up with all this pain at least partially for him – that is the opposite of selfish and horrible). Second of all, would you really purposefully put yourself in pain like this? Clearly you WANT to enjoy sex.
I know it’s hard to have faith in this world of doctors who don’t believe us, but if you keep trying, you will find someone who believes you. That has been my experience – with things such as a numb arm, and the cause and treatment of acne (I know those are unrelated, but I’m just saying I have had success with tricky problems only after going through 2-6 doctors or various specialists) – it’s worth trying! I mean, there are many women who would say, don’t bother, sex isn’t that great, but for me, and for a lot of my friends, sex is really truly pleasurable, and brings you close to the other person in a new way. In a different way from doing stuff together and talking – though arguably a more basal, chemical way, not an intellectual way.
Even if you never find a solution for this, especially if you never find a solution for this, you should talk it over for your partner and let him know what hurts, what doesn’t hurt, what you’re willing to put up with and what you’re not willing to put up with and WHY. Especially with my friend who has Asperger’s, the why becomes very important. Maybe if you’re saying no and he’s really wanting to, trying to turn you on, you could really stress the reasons for not wanting to. It’s like you said – he probably doesn’t realize what he’s doing or that it’s hurtful. He just doesn’t understand.
Lastly:
Quote:
Whoa, girl. You may have some unusual sensitivities in your genital area but that doesn't make you a freak. The more you talk about this relationship, the more it seems like this could be much more of a relationship problem than just a sex problem.
If there's an element of coercion/force there's something not working right and it's in the relationship, not in the genitals. If he's not letting you say no, I would really strongly suggest you slow down, say no, and start talking.
Are you sure you really want to be with this guy? You're sexually inexperienced and so is he, even if he's had sex before. He may not have a clue what he's doing down there except trying to jam it in. There's no reason for you to see yourself as freakish just because your boyfriend's a lousy lay. Yes, I said that. I'm saying the problem is just as much him as it is you. There's no reason for you to take the blame for his lack of gentleness and his coerciveness.
|
It is entirely possible that it's a relationship problem, not a genital problem - like I said, I've had similar physical sensations from bad sexual situations. It could be that talking about what you're comfortable with could lead to painless/enjoyable sex. You could be completely normal in every way, and there's just something weird going on interpersonally.
Whatever happens with this - you don't deserve pain, you're not horrible, and you're not selfish!
