I decided to see a therapist and take therapy seriously as my own efforts at trying to change my thinking felt like I didn't get very far even when I honestly tried really hard for long periods of time coming out of a 2 year drug addiction, it felt like getting your head barely above water, but if you lost vigilance you'd sink into a depression within a week or so and it started to feel hopeless, so I sought out counseling.

I'd been talking to a therapist over 4-5 sessions, I kept getting thoughts wondering what my therapist actually thought about me. I have few if any real friends and so the majority of the time I'd imagine conversations with my therapist and thought maybe I'm too invested in this person because I have no one else outside to really communicate with, or that I trust. I think I started to maybe close off or even resent the therapist because I thought this person couldnt possibly care about me, and I felt ashamed of having spilled so many of my experiences to me them that I kept secret for so long.

In my most recent session I told her that I had been taking 5mg valium not prescribed to me, to deal with anxiety. She told me considering I have a drug addiction history it sounded like "the addict in me making excuses". I responded by telling her it felt like I needed it on to survive in terms of being able to go to work or school, and that what my psychiatrist had prescribed me (hydroxyzine) had essentially made me feel cognitively so slow and physically so tired I couldnt function on it.

She stood up and told me "at this point I'm gonna let you know that I dont meet with patients who are under the influence of substances", telling me essentially to get out. I let obviously upset, I didnt yell or shout or do anything threatening but I definitely walked out with a mean countenance about me. Before I left I asked her if I could switch therapists, she said yes she would put in a transfer.

I asked downstairs to set up an appointment with another therapist, because mine had told me to leave, she said over the phone to the receptionist that no she didnt want a transfer and wanted me to see the chemical dependency department. They eventually said ok since I agreed to see a drug counselor, and some guy was supposed to give me a phone call talking to me about transferring therapists, he wasnt able to reach me but talked to my dad and I got a left a message on my phone saying it was ok to transfer to another counselor and that it had been approved.

So... later I go to set up an appointment with a counselor and they told me I need approval.. and that this same person who had talked to my dad would give me a call.... and I've yet to get this call almost a week later.

I dont know if I'm paranoid but it seems like maybe I irked my therapist and staff there and they're just toying with me or trying to tie me up with meetings so they don't have to deal with me which is fine with me, but I need permission from them to go to outside counseling services as they're my insurance provider, and they wont do that unless its special circumstances.... and they made it clear that they don't want to.

It felt demeaning to have someone tell me "the addict in me was talking" and then kick me out of their office, someones whose only talked to me for maybe 3-4 hours, and honestly with so many patients its hard to imagine that person really knows or cares about you very much. On the other hand maybe this person did really want whats best for me or had good intentions in what they did and the way I reacted made it so they probably dont trust or feel safe around me.

I don't know it feels like it was a lot of work to be able to spill out and tell my counselor what I did tell her, and to go through that again seems like it would be difficult.... but I dont know if that situation is reparable, I honestly dont know what to expect out of a counselor, and if I should switch or just give this up.

This may seem naive but I feel like if someone doesn't really care about you, then they cant really understand you, and if they don't understand you they cant help you, and it sort of makes me doubt whether therapy will ever really help anyone especially since so many of my problems seem to be rooted in not trusting others.