Before I begin I would like to say that at no point do I ever feel like acting on the thoughts that come into my mind.
Hi,
I'm a 17 year old Australian boy and I need HUGE help and support with what I am going through. I have been suffering from anxiety / stress / obsessive-compulsive disorder for the past 8 months. In fact, as I am sure many of you can remember your own, my first encounter with it was on Christmas Eve 2003 when my family was coming home from Church. What a nice night it had been, except there I was struck down with the most incomprehensible and intangible thing I've ever felt.
It has always been fearful thoughts of violence/ morbid acts. At first my mind would involvuntary snap to thoughts of child molestation and sexual abuse. I was so unbelieveably freaked out by these thoughts and overnight my future as I saw it went from bright prosperity, going to university and starting my own family, to ending up as a dirty old paedophile. It's not what I wanted to be but my anxiety was basically saying that it didn't matter if I didn't want to hurt/ sexually abuse children, that it was in control. My mind was sent spiralling into thoughts of despair, but this was only a taste of much worse things that anxiety had planned for me.
After about one month my involuntary thoughts began to hit me in my weak spot; my family. It didn't matter what I was doing all of a sudden, without warning, my mind would snap to images or ideas of my mum or dad being stabbed. What's worse is that my mind kept saying that I was the one that would stab them. Please don't think of me badly and realise that I do not want these thoughts in my life at all. I love my mum and dad with all my heart, I really do. I hate myself so much because of my anxiety and have swore that the minute I really start to take the thoughts seriously, I will kill myself.
After about 4-5 months into living this life of unbearable agony everyday I finally picked up a book on self-help where I came across the most wonderful word that I never really knew about...ANXIETY. Finally I knew what was wrong with me...that I was not criminally insane and that these thoughts are just unrealistic beliefs that have been long ingrained in my mind. Since then I've become pro-active. I've been seeing a counsellor, been on personal development camps, reading as much as I could whenever I could and listening to self-help tapes. It's helped but I'm not cured...so to speak.
But there's still more, a couple of days ago I was on the internet looking up stuff on anxiety when I stumbled across some information on obsessive compulsive disorder where I found that one of the most common forms of obsessive compulsive disorder comes from a fear of violence. I don't know if I really have it. I know I do things excessively, like having showers (the skin on my hands is starting to peel I've had so many) and fidgeting and pacing. I don't know if this is obsessive compulsive disorder so if you could please put your ideas on here, it would be greatly appreciated.
I want to learn to love myself again. Right now I look in the mirror and see a dirty child rapist or serial killer or any other type of morbid person you could think of. That's what I think of myself everyday I wake up and every night when I go to sleep. I hate myself I really do. And please don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself because I don't. I'm more repulsed by myself if anything and every day I wake up (sometimes crying) wishing to God that I would get hit by a car on my way to school.
Enough is enough. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've tried everything but nothing's working. It's had the WORST impact on me physically. I've been trembling / shaking for as long as I can remember and my muscles are NEVER relaxed anymore. I feel so tense, even when I'm falling asleep and have also been suffering from severe migraines, which I've never had before. So yes, my life went from its peak to the lowest, most miserable thing I've ever encountered. Please post your ideas so that I have something to try. I've tried everything else. Anything would be greatly appreciated and I hope all of you are doing well fighting your unrealistic fears, because I'm sure not.
Thank you for reading.

P.S I'm sorry for posting a novel.