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pinksoil said:
I am curious about the physical contact between you and your therapist.

Please, please, please understand that I am not criticizing what goes on in your session.

I have a specific stance in regards to physical contact.

And I am trying to put the pieces together-- you mentioned that very heavy transference has stalled your therapy. And now I have learned about the physical contact aspect.

And I want to know more. From your perspective. I want to learn.

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after some time to breath...[a lot less time than I expected ...which perhaps mean I am growing(?)]...i think i can come back and say some words about your question, Pinksoil.

before i freaked out and deleted things: i wrote that I have reclined with my head on my therapist's lap, and on one occasion she sat on a couch and I laid back on her lap, while we talked.

egosh I wrote it again...

my past experience with touch is this:

1. parents occasionally neglectful: so "good touch" was not absent but rare. more often there was no physical contact or they spanked.

2. when i was 8 or 9...my older sister if 13 or 14 sexually touched me. (i'm still trying to understand still whether it was "abuse" or not...but this particular forum isn't really the place for getting that understanding - therapy is.) the parents found out and immediately it was, in my young eyes, thought to be my fault. my parents barely wanted to talk to me or even look at me afterward and I felt abandoned. i had failed them.

but 3. i still felt a need for physical contact.

so things were clashing all the time. (1) i felt physical contact was bad already at 8/9. yet (2) i wanted some contact.

these two things were directly opposed to each other. so (1) each time i wanted touch, i felt wrong and bad because it was 'bad' to touch.
(2) but without touch, i felt bad too. so i couldn't win.

and that is how it is to this moment.

i literally have zero real relationships at this point...other than work acquaintances...and perhaps a couple online people.

so...i have no real opportunity to learn about "good touch" and believe good touch is real.

so...when i was in therapy before this break....my T was my only "friend". so things like resting my head on her lap or hugs or the like....have been a cautious attempt to learn about 'good touch' and "safe touch".

before the break though...maybe a month or so before...i pulled away from any physical touch: no handshakes...not even a hand on a shoulder. even once when i was walking by her to go into her office...she sort of put her hand up to sort of lead me in with her hand near my back...not even really touch my back...but you know how you sort of "guide people". and seeing her even innocently hint that i may be touched...i sort of steered myself away...and she noticed it and we discussed it.

so her rare physical contact with me has become none. but the intial thought was to make me experience at least one "good/safe" touch. thus far...it is very hard.

when i saw her yesterday for the first time in over 2 months...for only like 2 minutes....i was aware that i didn't want to touch her.

so touch has been, in my heart, bad for a long time and any kind of touch feels dirty to me...but, also in my heart, i want safe/caring touch. i don't know how to really resolve it ... other than to experience good/safe touch and just bear it.

and since i have no one but my therapist and i'm in or was in therapy to find a way to make relationships....my therapist is the only link. thus....safe touch has been occasionally involved.

i even went to a massage therapist for a few months (a couple times a month - under the recommendation of my therapist) but it didn't really help. i figured why not try. but i could feel myself "emotionally" going into a fetal position sometimes and more felt like it was something being done too me and not for me and that i wasn' t in control. so i stopped massage therapy

so here i stand...still with the fear that all touch is dirty.

and no one to help me get through it (but my therapist who i am on break from)