Sorry, PlixPlox, but your T did understand you. She understood the addict in you. The stress felt too much and you sought out a drug to ease the pain, and a highly addictive one at that. Naturally, you didn't like it when she called you on it.

You struggled so hard to get clean. You know it's worth it. The right place for you to be now is with a drug counselor to help you prevent a full relapse and to teach you coping skills for how to deal with the anxieties, fears, depression and anger all addicts in early recovery feel. And two years is early.

She called you on your B.S. Nobody ever likes that! But it could save your life. You life is worth saving, isn't it? You obviously thought so, otherwise you wouldn't have gone through the pain of getting clean. You deserve credit and congratulations for that. But no addict can rest on their laurels. You sought and used an addictive drug not prescribed for you to cope with your unpleasant emotions. That's relapse behavior by any definition.

The fact that it's manufactured legally doesn't make any difference. These various forums are full of threads and posts by people going through the tortures of hell trying to withdraw from valium-type drugs -- the benzos. It's the worst withdrawal known to man, woman or animal. Painful as hell.

For god's sake, let your T and the agency help you avoid that fate. If the drug T hasn't called you yet -- usually long waiting lists for drug treatment -- take the bull by the horns and call him. And keep calling until they have a slot for you.

Promising not to come to session under the influence is a weak promise. How many failed promises did you make in your using days? Tons of them, not because you wanted to break them but, as Mouse said eloquently in just a few words, addicts are crafty people and addiction sneaks up on you.

That's just reality.

I apologize for sounding so harsh, PlixPlox. But this is a crisis moment and you could go either way -- straight again or back into addiction. Your life is important, much more important than the momentary hurt feelings you're experiencing from the way your T handled this. It's your life that matters right now, hanging on a razor's edge. I'll be thinking about you and hope you make the best life-enhancing choices possible.

Take care and please come back and tell us how this works out. You really do matter.