I set about 8 alarms for this morning so that I could call and make an appointment before the 9am cut off. Not one of them managed to get me to make the call, and I repeatedly went straight back to sleep. I didn't get out of bed until about 2:30 this afternoon.

I did call, and tried to get an emergency appointment but apparently it wasn't an emergency (though all I said was that I need my medication sorting and I don't think she even bothered to look at my medical notes - the receptionists at the local doctor surgery are notoriously useless and miserable). She told me to get an appointment for tomorrow, I said I have work, she said that's not her problem. So I've got an appointment at 9.30 tomorrow morning, a couple of hours before work, with a doctor I've never heard of before.

Its partly my fault for not mentioning the suicidal thoughts or the fact that I haven't stepped outside the house since work yesterday, or my relapse into harmful behaviours that I normally wouldn't consider (I started smoking again today, for the first time in four months and I didn't even think about it).

I can't handle work tomorrow but I'm going to have to force myself so that I can hand my notice in, because they're not being very flexible with my hours as I'm contracted to work as much as they want me to and as little as 6.5 hours. It's a big choice and I'm disappointed in myself and so are my family. Failure once again.

So I've got to try and explain my entire medical history and the situation I've been in for the past few months, along with try and get my medication sorted out, all in the 10 minute appointment time allocated to each patient. Why the heck did I agree to being discharged? Stupid.

As it's almost a two hour commute to work and my appointment would make me late, I have to pay for a taxi and I'm already in a dire financial situation right now.

Going to be a very merry Christmas!