Hello,

I believe that this topic is in the correct forum, so let me begin by sharing a bit about myself.

I suffer from multiple mental disorders, notably: schizophrenia, depersonalization, multiple personality disorder, and bipolar. These disorders have been evaluated and designated to me by psychiatric professionals.

So now i'll tell you about my issue.

I am currently in a position in my life where i am in the middle of a branching road. I'm about to obtain a degree and begin my career.

But even with this news i cannot find myself with a smile on my face. For every day that i continue to live i become more and more indifferent and apathetic.

For the past few years I've done nothing but hurt the people around me, even when i didn't intend to. People who have helped me in the past have recently suffered at the hands of my manipulation and lack of trust. People who i truly cared for. Even my family. And the issue is, i can't figure out why i did it, nor why i can't seem to stop myself from doing it again.

I grew up in very bad environments in my childhood. I've had knifes held to my throat, guns put to my head, and that doesn't even scratch the surface. But i always kept positive and held my head high, even when people who i thought were my friends violently assaulted me with their friends in the backs of alleys.

And even through all of that I've had the strength and courage to continue moving forward. But now, right as i want to improve myself, to reciprocate the act of love in the relationships i share, i can only find myself reciprocating apathy.

There was a woman recently in my life, who was kind and supportive to me, who complimented me, but i never once reciprocated back the same support and kindness she did to me. One time she took me to an interview in the city, so i repaid her by taking her to lunch that day. I thought our relationship was going well. So when i approached her about dating, she said she wanted to be just friends because "i was wasting her time if i didn't care," and so i told her "i don't think i was wrong about how she felt about me," then she just decided to walk away, so i yelled "stop being a b****." I haven't talked to her since then, and I've even tried apologizing to her, but to no avail.

And even as i write this, i'm considering abandoning my family and moving out of state for a career opportunity. I dislike my family, i don't like who they are, and i don't say that lightly. I hate being home, it's nothing but a hypocritical circus of clowns.

Yet I can't help but wonder to myself,

"Why do i show such apathy towards others?"
"Why do i hurt those who care for me?"
"How can i abandon the people who have raised me so easily?"

Among other things.

Is it so wrong to want to improve myself? To show people i do care?

I am doing my best to keep optimistic, but everyday i start to care less and less. It's getting to the point where i can't actively hold conversations with people over small talk.

Is this situation changeable? Or should i just up and go, leave it all behind?