hello

well now it been 2 days and the news just keeps getting worst for me
1 it looks like i am never going to have a job in the herbal field like i wanted...that was my last hope
2 money is getting tight most of it went to bail and lawyer fees ....i applied for SSI well they called today the forms i sent in never got there and the place that did the original work up on me has deleted those records so ....odds of them saying yes are near 0
3 the sleep meds they gave are good for nothing 5 hours of laying in bed staring into the darkness watch the lights and shadows form stuff (like clouds) and i even doubled the dose after the 3rd hour ....finally fell asleep at 7 this morning still 2 hours wake up
4 x-mas is going to be horrible i currently have 1500 that is for food bills gas life so i can not get anyone anything ..........i have already told them and that i want nothing for myself
5 court is the day before my mothers b-day/death day ......and it is not even the trail it just meeting i have to be at that is a whole tank of gas to get there and back
6 looks like i ripped a ulcer in my gut again this morning i puked some blood out
7 the anger in me is growing .....with no medical herbs in me to calm me down repress it and the pills they gave me 300mgs a day is not even the lvl it needs to be to work 900mg to 1400mg ....and to increase means 3 weeks while the anger grows
8 i have a total of 53 days to get strait so i can handle sitting in court with out freaking out and jabbing the pencil in the side of my neck to open up the veins behide the ears so i am dead with in 21 secs or to keep me from saying **** it i am in prison so might as well and not drink anything for 4 days until blood turns to sludge and heart gives out from over working

what should i freaking do hospital during x-mas time would mess up my family ....odds are my little area is already filled up with ppl worst then me ...atleast i am still able to force myself to get out of bed to do things but i am not sure how longer that is going to hold out