I was tested after his encounter a year ago and then again 6 months later. I did take that precaution. He thought I was being over dramatic about that when I did it because he did say he used protection. I know my man and I know for damn sure he didn't. I am sure that he was trying to make it somehow seem better in some sort of way. But, I think he understood why I was getting tested because I could trust nothing he told me.

He does drink. His parents are drinkers. He was raised that a few beers everyday after a long work day is ok. I don't actually mind if he drinks a beer or two every day. That is not his problem. I have no belief that his drinking and drug use are correlated. One did not have an impact on the other. His drug use started as a way to numb his back which has an inoperable compressed disc in his back. It got out of hand and as many people do, he turned to heroin because the pain pills were very expensive. He has never been honest with me about the extent of his drug use before the rehab program. He does not talk about it. I do know the signs thou and I am well aware when he is using because of spending years with it. I have no doubt in my mind that he is clean from heroin at the moment. He is really focusing on his business and he has been giving me more than what is needed to pay bills. He keeps a minimal amount in hos pocket for gas and random pops from the gas station.

He very much so comes from the caveman philosophy. He has used that as an excuse for his infidelity instances before marriage and this one last year. He tells me constantly it goes against nature for any man to be with only one woman,. That men are the breeders and are designed to spread their seed. I get that but if that is what you want and what makes you happy, why marry someone. Spread your seed all you want and stay single.

I wish I could help him with his depression and low self-esteem. I can't. I have tried. I try to talk him up and tell him he is sexy and I thank him when he does random chores. I tell him how great his work is when he shows me a completed project. I tell him he is smart when we do have conversations where that may apply. He is unresponsive to my notions. There is really nothing I can do.

I guess I am at the end of my rope and waiting for it to spring back up a little or just snap and break. Unfortunately he will be on the suboxone until his last taper down which should happen sometime in February. I know it is a mind altering drug he is taking and I am holding onto hope that he is magically going to become the man I fell in love with again. This will all be a bad dream and in time I will forget about the terrible things he has put me through. Right now February is so close but seems a lifetime away!

PS- I am going to change my username!