Today I went to my therapy appointment and it was really hard, I wanted to go but I felt so depressed. And pretty much all I did was cry for like 30 mins. while she told me that this feeling will subside but I just felt SO terrible I thought it would never end, like if you hate roller coasters and it won't ever stop it just keeps going and you never see the end. (And I never cry in front of people and I've only met her like 4 times, but I guess it was healthy, I felt SO tired afterwards.)
I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was so miserable, BUT right after I sent a package to my uncle for sending me a new phone in the mail, so I felt productive and that made me feel good. Then since I was so tired I decided to take a nap to escape for a bit, I know I slept too long, but it was a long nap, that I don't think was unhealthy, it was long but it was ok. I had a really cool mystery themed dream and I woke up ok, I didn't feel depressed anymore, and even though this coffee shop closes in a little less than an hour I'm still out with people and not alone which is healthy for me, I really really need to surround myself with people even if I really don't want to.
I just ... need to be more in control of how I treat my body, I am just so disconnected from it, so from now on I will be carrying my yoga mat with me where ever I go so if I have to do yoga in the nasty basement of my job, then so be it, but I need to be connected to myself again, yoga will ease my pain and I will be better, or at least I hope so. And in my therapy appt. we did "body work-ish" stuff where I would just hold my forehead or my throat or chest area and I would say "I will get out of this. It will end." And I just closed my eyes and was breathing, and I didn't really care what she thought of me, which is a new mindset I really haven't experienced before, I usually don't ever close my eyes and just breathe in front of anyone. I was kind of meditating but I was also really tired so I wanted to close my eyes, and I felt better once I did that. If have that mindset of tranquility then maybe that's what I'll get out of it, or at least I hope so, starting tomorrow yoga will be my morning mindset, it will wake me up and ease my chronic pain. Writing this was beneficial, I just hope that tomorrow brings me more hope. Thanks everyone !