I have enjoyed reading your posts and glad to see you are in a better place in your lives.

I have to admit that I have always thought that skinny people are superficial and that they despise overweight people due to our laziness and lack of ambition, and that we are ugly and have an abundance of personality flaws to complement our flab. It’s almost impossible for me to think of a thin person as having an eating disorder when our society and advertising shows me otherwise.

My father was abusive and we had to walk on egg shells. Our meal portions were large as he was a big eater (he has always been overweight) and not only would a big meal satiate his appetite but his anxiety and quick temper as well. The whole family ate the big meals right along with him. My brother and I developed coping skills that allowed my father some contentment at times and my mother rewarded us for that with food – for keeping the peace. Later, as an adult, anytime my mother wanted something from me she would take me out for dinner. I’d like to think she did it out of love, but it always felt like she was manipulating and rewarding me simultaneously the way I felt as a child.

I am an overeater and I restrict when I feel guilty. Even a healthy diet means I will suffer in some way. I eat food to reward myself or to satisfy emotional emptiness. I rarely eat because I am hungry so my stomach never feels empty except when I restrict and when I do it feels like self-punishment.

I think about how the reward of food carries over to the workplace. When people work late it always seems that the boss brings in a pizza or takes people out to lunch. I know it’s a show of appreciation and I can choose to not have pizza or eat a salad for lunch but I receive the ‘food’ as a reward for satisfying someone else’s agenda (making someone happy) so I usually eat the pizza or order the tastiest dish.

I am beginning to believe if I could identify the cause of my emptiness I would be able to change my health habits overall.