I found out everything I need to know. I'm continuing to starve myself to prove that I'm not being heard. I'm at a family reunion and wedding now instead of it making me so happy. I got so angry some of the successful people talking to me like I'm not mature enough not enough to understand. My family isolates me and they are not aware that they are doing it. I'm planning on suicide. I was disappointed how hard I wanted them to see and stop. I feel I will die miserable now or later. I pick a happy moment when my starving does not get the message across. Im tired so tired of how you have so much. I feel my child and my grandma are seeing my pain only and I'm beyond any feeling. Am I closer to killing myself I felt that my only hope I have is starving myself. If they don't see my boney body how much hell it is being me and,I'm not the pity party or cry baby you rip on when you want to assume I'm so negative like everyone else. That's it. I thought as a dying mans wish I had them love me and I may write a note. These people who are at this wedding I predicted at my funeral. As a boy I know I will die with no one seeing what's truly wrong.
I guess when it happens it happens I don't need saving. I'm already the monster under the people I care about bed. Maybe if my suffering is an excuse. I'm an excuse.

When I die they will never know. My heart is past crying abs grief. It's unreal like im in a movie and everything I know didn't matter my childhood is hell my teenage years were hell my adult life is going to hell. I just want to die to show how bad I needed validation. It's over. I've accepted when I get home from the wedding ill plan my suicide. I see no light I made my own light and despite it. It wasn't bright enough. People are disillusioned to believe I am expected to act and they appreciate the real me. I guess this is it bye psych central so I don't forget. My journey has been heading to a close and I'm not getting locked up in an asylum and being called safe suffering alone with the white walls and all the drugs they'll pump me in.
All the people who "love/loved" me I guess I'm sorry for not appreciating you. How hard I wanted you to notice me. I didn't become a beautiful woman. I didn't fall in love with anyone. I destroyed my relationships and I don't want to see this killed to maybe I'm a coward of life my fate of pissing off my family eventually from them not understanding. But when I'm dead i am going to stay far far away from existing. I wanted my answers on death and where im going, but ill guess ill find out first hand. Well cya. I'll make posts but I've made up my mind. I love u. Just don't hurt me anymore.