I got clean, and even got rid of my depression for a while, it took 2 years to get clean, one year of hard core addiction and one year of saying I had "quit" but with constant relapses and becoming more and more ashamed of myself and feeling more and more out of control of my life, and as a result developing more and more problems psychologically. It all sort of came tumbling down and I had what I think to myself anyway as a sort of spiritual experience, like exactly what I needed when I felt like I couldnt take it anymore, it was then that I realized underlying my addiction there were a lot of problems that are steering my life from the blind side of my consciousness, a lot of stuff I hold onto but dont even acknowledge sometimes because its too painful sometimes because it seems easier to be a zombie and slightly dissociated then actually feel real remorse or guilt or fear or whatever it is your trying to run away from.

I was sober for a long time, but the depression came back in whenever I would come close to another person or feel as if I was connected to them its as if this brick wall came up in my heart and all I wanted to do was run away, and it left people feeling confused as to why when they seemed to like a person and they liked you back and you guys had a connection, that they would then shut you out and basically ignore you.

I felt like I couldnt get past this and basically became a "rage" addict, since I felt like I couldnt ever get past this, I just lashed out at anyone near me since it seemed hopeless to ever be happy.

I've gotten somewhat better, but honestly I dont think I could function day to day without drugs at the place I'm in right now. Meeting with someone every three weeks and work through trauma if it even is trauma thats the source of my problems, is fine, and hearing encouragement in that it is possible to recover whatever that looks like, but I'm stuck with myself 24/7 and have responsibilities. If I didnt work I'd likely be homeless, I live with my parents on the condition that I go to school and have a job, I couldnt find a job for the longest time because people felt nervous around me because they wondered why I wasn't calm or acting normally around people. This drug though addictive atleast gave me the ability to do those things.

As for the actual meeting it did become kind of emotionally combative, I remember telling her about how I felt weird about how I imagined what she might think of me and she referred to this as maybe "paranoia" on my part, and thats when I think I sort of put up a wall, and it basically fell apart from there. She'd never mentioned anything about being sober in meetings upon first meeting or anything like that it was the first time she mentioned it when she asked me to leave. I realize these negative feelings or thoughts may not be true, but the sense of it, the fear that they are true, thats very very real.

I feel really awkward asking for a follow up meeting, and I'm unclear if she actually wants me to see another therapist or just wanted me to see a drug counselor. I have a meeting with one coming up this week. I assumed when she asked me to leave, and I responded by asking if I could switch therapists that that meant 'we're done here" essentially, but over the phone when I asked the receptionist to set me up with another therapist they said it was unusual for a therapist to ask a patient to leave in the middle of a session, they called her and they told me she said she didnt ask for a transfer, only that I see chemical dependency.

As for a psychiatrist... I dont see how self medicating is really any different then taking drugs from a psych. I take these drugs at regularly prescribed doses though they're obtained illegally. They don't want to give me addictive stuff because of a past with addiction but the stuff they do give me either makes anxiety worse, does nothing at all, or has bizarre side effects, or does deal with anxiety but makes you so tired that you cant function cognitively.

I think I'm just gonna go ahead and ask for a transfer in a while, I'm gonna wait just so they dont think I'm being difficult... I definitely dont want a reputation as a difficult client, since it may be paranoia on my part but nurses doctors etc if they dont like you for whatever reason, they're human after all, can be vindictive in all sorts of ways, and I'm scared of getting on their bad side and making things worse for myself, whether that's a realistic fear or not idk.