Quote:
Originally Posted by lunatic soul
I think I need to hear what others say because I have so little experience and he was the first guy I slept with...
I tried to talk to him but now it seems I don't want to listen to him anymore, he blows my mind with his words and I believe that everything will be okay but it never is.
I think I don't believe I could ever find guy who really loved me. I think I'm not okay and only loosers like me.
He pays for apartment and it seems it shows that he really likes me. Who would waste his money just to get a place to live with his girlfriend who escapes from him all the time.
I'm abuser too. My mind is f***ed, I hope he will leave me first and it would be his responsibility and his choice.
Maybe I'm stucked in some kind of illusions, maybe I can't see real life and reality, I feel so out of reality.
Sometimes it feels like there is a power who doesn't let me go away from him.
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That does not make you an abuser. You repeatedly call yourself abusive, but present no evidence to support that categorization of you. I wonder if you live in the world of cognitive distortions yourself, are mildly masochistic personality-wise, or, whether he puts these ideas into your head. I have not been able to figure it out even though I try to keep up with your updates.
Note that your interpreting his paying rent as a sign of his liking you is totally valid, as interpretations go, but is not the only possible, valid interpretation. For example, his paying rent might make him feel that he is keeping his end of the bargain and you are not, sex-wise. Just a thought. Had you lived separately, this would have stripped him of the sense that he is entitled to more, and you would have been more like equals in this relationship, which might then have changed the dynamics of it. Might or might not - without trying, you would not be able to see what happens. Can you afford it?