I met with LCM today. I've been having a super hard time with stuff I don't feel like talking about. We started out with me asking what we talked about last session because I honestly didn't remember. She tried to help me out and remember. We think I blocked it out.

After we had been talking for a while, she said she loves me. She almost never says that and that makes me happy.

At the end of the session, I told her that my room is still clean. Without thinking, I said "mom, my room is still clean"
She smiled and said "I forget you like to call me mom".
Me: "you said it's okay. Is it not okay?"
Her: "it's fine. Just a little weird"
Me: "what do you mean?"
Her: "I'm not your mother and I can't be"
She immediately read the change in my facial expression and said "I'm hurting you by saying this, aren't I"
I said no, but I immediately started crying. I told her that while I was inpatient, she told me that she said she sees me as a daughter. I asked if she lied or if it was still true. She said she did feel that way because she was waking me up in the morning every day and taking care of me. She said it was hard not to see all of her clients like that, but now that we are out of that setting, she sees me as just a client. She did say I'm her favorite client, and sometimes, we bicker like a mother and a daughter and she feels it then, but usually she sees me as just client, but not a daughter anymore. I cried even harder. I started crying about not having a mother and saying I just wanted to live in that fantasy a little longer. She told me that her feelings for me are exactly the same as she described earlier and that I'm upset over the semantics of it all. Which is probably true. She said she loves me and that is still true. She still will take care of me and act as something of a replacement mom or a coach. But I don't know why just hearing her remind me that she isn't my mother makes me feel rejected and abandoned. I was so upset for a few minutes I didn't want to look at her or talk to her. I wanted to be left alone. I felt like my mom denied me and I still feel that way.