I think it's finally sinking in...

I'm feeling so bad right now, that I'm desperately trying to figure out how to deal with this. I would usually smoke, but I am really sick and I can't take a cig to my mouth. I just slept about three hourse because of this freakin' flu and I can't allow myself to get worse by smoking.

I've come to the point where I realize that I have always had a choice. I could have do e things differently but I didn't. What does it say about me? Well, I already know the answer. Now the thing is that I fear making the wrong decisions in the future. I also fear that my secrets may be revealed. This basically regarding my sex life. I have slept with too many guys, but I always thought it wouldn't matter and that no one would ever find out. I was discrete and they were too many for me, not really that muchm but enough to make me feel bad, which I believe is what really matters.

It's not like I pretend to be a saint, it's just that I don't like to talk about sex. I believe that sex is one of the things you do and no one else has to know. So I kinda feel like I'm being a hypocrite, because I used to criticize so hard those girls who went all public about their sex lives. I don't want to be seen as an old-fashioned girl, because that's not who I am, I am definitely not scared about sex and I don't think I will burn in hell because of my sex life. It's just that I notice that sometimes I had sex for all the wrong reasons and I wish I had stopped before I felt so ashamed.

Now the worst part is that I'm in love with a great great guy. As far as I know, he had only one girlfriend. They were together for more than five years and then he decided not to date again. I feel like I'm way too "experienced" for this guy. I have confessed that I have had a lot of relationships, but we never talked about sex with other people. We're just getting to know each other, we haven't even kissed, why would we talk about sex? Well, I've been told that he is kind of asexual, so it might take a long long time before the subject comes up. And I'm fine with it. I have been trying to control myself because I believe love is not just about sex and I really want to have a real love now, so I'm fine with a guy who doesn't insist that much in going to bed.

It's weird, because I don't want to ding in his past because I won't allow him to dig in mine. I know a few things about his past relationship and that was enough for me to feel a little insecure. It was a long term relationship, something I have never had. She must have meant a lot to him... Well, on the other hand he has only had one relationship and I have had a lot. Maybe he will fear my commitment issues. I don't know, but the point is that everytime he doesn't call I start feeling guilty and ashamed because of my past. It's like I blame the feeling of being pushed away on my past.

And it's just the feeling because he has showed real interest in me, but then again, so much shame makes me feel like everything, absolutely everything is my fault. I felt the same way when my beloved dog died, like my sins hae brought him to such a tragical end. Yep, so dramatic. So what I try to do now is focus on the future. But every now and then these thoughts come back to haunt me. And I have to deal with this without smoking...