I'm 20. Gay guy. Since I was a child my father was very aggressive with me. Sometimes he would physically harm me, always shouting, calling names and wanting me to do what he wanted. Through my whole teenage I've been under heavy psychological abuse by both my parents, mainly because of homophobic purposes.
I'm somewhat submissive and elusive in my social interactions. Issues with trust, self-esteem and abandonment. Lost virginity this year, but I already passed through a period in which I thought I should have sex with many random guys, so I did it, and 90% of it was very bad for me. Even got HPV. Compulsive masturbation problem, and in turn, erectile dysfunction in real life. Self-destructive behavior, specially when I get frustrated bc a guy my age I came to really like breaks my heart or blows me out once again (this seems to be a common pattern as well).
I enter in a delirium-like "reality" and do crazy stuff of sexual conotation, like watching hardcore porn that I wouldn't normally consider. I even start having weird desires that aren't part of my common psyche (guys my age, romance), such as to bottom to much older, dirty and very stereotypically masculine men or drug-addicts. Being hurt, beaten. I talk to them online and expose myself. Everything goes away after I ejaculate or after a while, then it doesn't make sense at all. Makes me feel unworthy. When depressed, I fantasize about dying or suiciding. This is happening frequently. I'm afraid I might do smth and regret.
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