I guess my whole thing with this needing thing is that I'm always painfully aware of how little the other person can really meet my needs. I feel like my needs are so huge that I'm always left with the pain of knowing that what they give will never be enough. My T can never really be the close companion that I need her to be. She will never be a part of my life in the way that I wish she could, and she can never hold me and cuddle me the way I want her too. It is so painful to know that these things won't happen, that I often just end up trying to push the need away. For me I think this why I do sexualizing, obsessing: they are my way of not feeling the need.

I really started to feel it last night, and it was so painful, and the longing was so intense, I just don't know how anyone could ever be ok with living with such a huge gaping hole. I wish that T's could do more sometimes. It just doesn't seem fair that I sit across from her every session, and tell her the most intimate and embarrassing details of my life, and she can't even hold me. It's just so alienating for me, and I wish that I could make her do it all different. But I can't so it just hurts, and hurts, and hurts.