Quote:
Originally Posted by HazelGirl
Probably. And my T probably knows all this. She has said similar things. I think I'm trying to protect myself from me, too. I know that the little child inside is terrified of me, and of my judgment. I know she would like to come out, but she knows me well enough to know I will smash her reflexively, like I do every time. It's not a choice I make. It just happens because her feelings are so scary and embarrassing to me.
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I getcha. I think the only way that can change in the moment for you is probably to work through it with T in that moment and think it through. I am sure it must be overwhelming when it's happening though. That's why it might be helpful, with T, to just gently and mindfully examine the past before you even worry about changing how you act in the present, examine with her what maybe even seemingly ordinary experiences could, for a child, have contributed to some of these beliefs that are making it really hard.
The nice thing is, if you change your feelings about the past, the present will follow naturally! You'll just find yourself feeling and knowing that the present is different. What the present IS useful for, is as a guide to what's wrong, what you need to explore still.