Hugs hugs hugs!

I feel ya! I also have an extremely demanding son. He is six. It is very very difficult. He enrages me. It can be hell.

If you care you are a good mom. You go to the hospital to help yourself, to stay safe, to take care of his mother. I know you don't want to plan to go to the hospital but it may help him to prep him for it just in case. Like say sometimes mommy has to go on trips for just mommies and I miss you terribly but I will always always always come back and I love you no matter what. Make a picture album for him with pics of just the two of you for him to have when your gone. Buy him a bunch of special toys and books and write little notes and put them away but tell whoever takes care of him to give him one a day when you are gone or something like that.

And besides all of that YOU CARE! You feel miserable about it. Do you think a bad mother would care about leaving her son or feel guilty about squeezing his arm or worry about his emotional development or even consider psychological testing? No!

Therese Borchard (a wonderful Bipolar mom hero) talks about being a mom and how we will **** up but as long as we are leading with our hearts we can feel like we are doing our best.

Parenting is insane for everyone! Being home all day with any child let alone a difficult child would send even the sanest person over the edge. Give yourself some credit!

I just a quote today in the book I am currently reading about positive discipline (because yes i need ways to deal with my child) that said "normal parents become enraged by normal children ". It was in a chapter all about dealing with anger as a parent. This is not a bipolar issue. This is a parenting issue. And adding bipolar to the mix sure doesn't help anything.

I often fear my son may have inherited some neuroatypicalness from me. I fear for him. But he is so amazing in so many ways that I wouldn't change that (though I would gladly take some of this behavior) but I figure that if he does turn out to be bipolar or something like it what a gift that his mama can hold his hand while he cries and say "I know how you feel". I can't imagine such luxury in my own life (my mom not so great).

And kate gosselin of all people said this wonderful parenting quote "You only have one shot. You ARE going to mess up. But you just can't give up. " Keep fighting.

And no squeezing his arm is not abuse. Not even for a second. Cross that worry off your list.

Please try to ease up on yourself a bit because the stress if feeling like a bad mom can be extremely depression triggering (at least for me). It is the worst because it claws at your very most sacred heart place. Because it is about YOUR BABY!

From one mama to another....I am sending you love and light and strength. You sound like a warrior and a fighter...dealing with this illness, surviving through all of it and loving your child as fiercely as you do.

Just go turn on a movie, grab a bag of chips, and cuddle that child on the couch.

Lots of love to you.