Quote:
Originally Posted by Prairie Girl
I'll try to make this as brief as possible -- no one likes to read a wall of text.
My background:
Married for 18 years to an abusive (physical/emotional/mental) alcoholic. Ran away almost 17 years ago.
Lived alone for 15 years -- I am an introvert and enjoy my alone time.
Met current hubby online (I was in the States / he in Canada) -- had ongoing chats/Skype for a year. Met in person 2 years ago. 2 more meetings, then married this past April.
I knew, from the beginning, that he drank. But he is so charming, affectionate, loving -- mostly spoils me rotten -- and it wasn't a problem for me.
He is a tormentor (teasingly) and is the same with his friends/co-workers who love him dearly. I've always laughed when he teases me, we'd have such fun together and him keeping me laughing is important to me.
He is semi-retired and was home for 5 days straight last week. By the end of the 3rd day, I was a wreck. He'd stayed drunk nearly the entire time. He even got surly with me over trivial matters.
I'm feeling like I did when I was with my ex -- anxious/fear/dread/nerves strung tight.
Although I know for a fact he would NEVER raise a hand to me, I can't help having those old feelings.
So, I'm asking myself -- am I reacting to old triggers? Or is it the fact that I had no alone time/relief from him for those 5 days?
He totally retires the end of January so I must learn to cope somehow or I will go insane!
Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you for reading this.
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Only because you have asked for feedback, will I comment. Personally I think you are getting enough good out of this relationship (so far) that you are rationalizing what I perceive to be some serious drawbacks. Furthermore I think you are starting to worry (and rightfully so, in my opinion) that 'familiarity (retirement and being around much more) will breed contempt.'
I think you have reason to be concerned. While I suppose it is possible that your hubs will reduce his drinking once he stops working, most of the alcoholics I have known
increased their drinking when they did not have to report to work, and that seems to be what your hubs will do.
You are going to have to do the hard work of deciding what you are willing to put up with and what you are not, and then you are going to have to communicate that to your husband. Any relationship undergoes changes during a major life shift such as retirement so you don't need to focus on his drinking at the beginning of your conversation. But it will come up one way or another.
You'll have to face the consequences on your husband's physical health with regard to his drinking, also.
I also think the kind of denial you are in (and I base this on your focus on the laughter and the fun you're having, even though your husband is an admitted alcoholic) will wear on you, emotionally, and consequently physically.
Since we can never change someone else, it is a matter of deciding for yourself and proceeding in that direction.