((Underground)), that was very brave of you to share and even point out whatever you have come to recognize as wrong in your behavior. You definitely deserve to be able to vent your anger out. You are going to be a step above your parents in that you have been willing to admit whatever you may have done wrong, that is an important step to "healing" and gaining. You are certainly far from stupid and fully capable of "learning" from your past and recognizing the things you did not get, things that actually "hurt" you even and ways you have tried to "self protect" that you were basically left to figure out yourself.

One of your posts that I read a while back said that your idea of an ideal therapist would be one you could engage in battle with. I thought a lot about that and what I got from that is your need to "vent" anger must be pretty big. What has impressed me about you is that I have seen you "try" to be patient. I am glad to hear that you do recognize the things you did not get and have tried to make sure you do more for your own children too.

Almost 40, well 40 years ago so little was understood about parenting and how children can be affected badly when parents neglect them and are not "there" for them encouraging them and loving them unconditionally. Parents near 80 or in their 80's, such a different generation, did not really understand "good parenting" either and are the generation that pretty much grew up where children are to be seen and not heard too. You deserved to be comforted when your father was sick, it should have been recognized that you were frightened and you should not have been encouraged to be even more frightened.

When I began to visit this forum, I wanted to understand NPD better because I have had people in my life that show many of the symptoms that are discribed. But, I did not want to just label these different individuals and write them off as "bad" either. You had said to me that I was probably hurt by someone with NPD, and came here "curious". Well, yes, however, I just wanted to understand it better. I do really believe that in understanding something better one can heal and even "forgive" to a certain degree too.
That saying, "people with NPD don't know they have NPD", yes that really "is" the case, at least in those whom I do believe may very well have that challenge that have "hurt" me.

When people get to a point where they are struggling and reach out for help or it has affected them badly enough, they are ususally at a point where they can look back and as they look back can see all the outcomes they did not see when they were "challenged" and perhaps made the wrong choices. Often the person can "self hate" and struggle or even do their best to avoid feeling if they can. I really feel it is very important that when looking back and seeing one's bad choices that it is important to understand the "whys" and be fair to one's self when they did not have the right support and encouragement in their home environment growing up or even from their piers or other adults that could have made a better effort to help and guide better.

One can say, "this is how I know how to be" and settle, however, I really do believe that while one may "know how to be and thrive a certain way", that person "can" learn to improve and grow and do better too. If you have parents that are older, chances are they are settled with what they "know" and probably won't change. You on the other hand, can choose differently, you are still young enough and there is a lot more knowledge out there now to help with that whereas that just was not there all those years ago. I wish it was, I grieve that because it could have helped me long ago too.