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I spent all night last night sending out resumes and cover letters. I have felt really good for the past two days, finally out of my depression.
But then I see my pdoc, he changes up my meds (which I'm happy about), but then starts talking about me going back to work, which I am absolutely not ready for.
The anxiety, dread, fear of going back to work built up in my so bad that last night before I could complete all these resumes and cover letters, I cut myself, pretty well, good and deep.
Then this morning, after completing a couple more resumes and cover letters, I went full bore and cut my face. The same place as usual, and very deep. Couldn't get it to stop bleeding, had to go to Urgent Care.
Fortunately, I had a plausible store of falling off my bike earlier that morning, which did actually happen, and I blamed it on that, and as far as I know, they bought it.
I have to stop doing this. I WANT to stop doing this. I don't want this life. It's not like I cut all the time. I have urges frequently but I easily set them aside knowing that it's not worth it and there are better ways to express myself. But then these times, something just snaps. And, I no longer have control. I'm totally dissociated and another part of my personality or psyche or whatever has taken over, and I just take a back seat and watch.
Can anyone relate to this? Please tell me I'm not alone.
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