I think that's one of the hardest parts of not having had that loving parent. Everyone assumes that you have. In fact, when you protest, people will even try to convince you that you must have had it! When I try to explain my situation to others, people will say: "Oh, but your mom did love you! She must have! You just didn't see it!" or "You just need to try a little harder!" or "All mothers love their children! It's biological!" Those false statements, made by people who have always had that love and comfort, just make it a million times worse for those of us who had parents that did not love us and were not capable of doing so. It's hard for others to imagine parents not loving their children, so they assume that we must be wrong-- we must misunderstand, we must not be trying, or we must be doing something wrong.

The love I get from my T is definitely a new experience for me. I've never felt cared about like that before-- and she is only my T. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to get that love from someone who was your parent, and was around you 24 hours a day instead of one hour a week. I think I would be an entirely different person if I had had the security of feeling loved growing up, instead of constantly fearing abuse, hate, and punishment. I don't know if I can even imagine what it would be like to think of one's caretakers growing up as kind, loving, and soothing as opposed to the people who inflicted pain and torture and then lied to others about it. And, when you did tell, you were not believed and then suffered even worse. Now, as an adult, having random people tell me "of course they loved you! You just didn't see it!" makes me feel like my abusers are still in control because people still don't believe me-- and I'm still the problem.

Having T believe me and understand the situation-- and provide at least a small portion of the love I missed out on as a child-- is the only thing that has helped me heal from my childhood. I still struggle with feeling angry about the past, but at least now I know what it feels like to have someone care.