Hello LiloPapillon: I'm sorry for the difficulties you are having. It sounds to me as though you are still struggling to get out from under the damage your parents' psychological abuse caused. There is a big part of you that believes what your parents said & did. And as a result you are at war with yourself. Your emotional wellbeing is the victim.

My perspective is that you need to get some professional help (therapy) to resolve the inner conflict that is causing you to have the thoughts you're having & to do the things you do. Otherwise, this conflict is only likely to deepen & become more difficult to endure.

It is important that you find a therapist who is experienced in working with the gay community. So, if there is some type of gay activist organization in your area, I would suggest contacting them to see if they have any recommendations as to who might be a good therapist to see. From my perspective, once you are able to resolve your inner conflict, allot of the struggles you describe are likely to go by the wayside. My best wishes to you.