I love the sound, the texture, the softness, the security of wearing diapers. It's so ingrained I don't even know where to begin explaining feelings. It just overwhelms me sometimes. It can even be stronger than sexual desires. I've always wanted to wear diapers for as long as I can remember. Even in my earliest memories. Like age 3 and 4! I remember feeling very calm and loved whenever I wore one. It was the feeling of being hugged that I liked the most. I remember chasing my cousin around our family home at christmas - jealous that she got to wear diapers still. I might have been age 5 or 6... I would periodically steal diapers from my neighbors house. I wanted so badly to wear them. I think I even asked my Mom when I was really young and she didn't let me of course.

Around grade 3 I was making makeshift diapers out of grocery bags and kleenex. I had associated my early sexuality with wearing them. I even enjoyed wetting myself in them - the thought of wetting the bed was both arousing and something I very much desired. Perhaps it was the idea of being a baby again - and receiving unconditional love / nurture - from wetting my bed.

This is when I started dreaming about wearing diapers. I would have wet dreams about it - even about my mother... It was very hard to understand and I hated myself for these thoughts and feelings. In response - I suppressed my unconscious desires for diapers and for my mother - judging myself for having them and labeling myself as a bad person...

Over the years - I began to experience triggers upon hearing the word "diaper." I would hear television commercials for huggies or see diapers in the isles in stores and I would immediately be caught up in an elating experience. I would get turned on very fast. It was very strange. I felt very uncomfortable about this - and so I never indulged in my desires. I never even masturbated until grade 9 because I thought it was a bad thing...

Around grade 9 my feelings got very intense again. I began wearing layers of plastic bags at night - filled with absorbent pads from swiffers! LOL. I thought it was the best thing ever! I would wet these things and masturbate in them. It was a major discovery for me! It gave me something to look forward to while I was dealing with major depression and wanting to die.

I continued wearing plastic bags to meet these desires until I was 20 or so... And then I began having (what I believe, were) uncontrollable compulsions in the middle of the night- to wear diapers. Almost every night I would dream - so I went out to the nearest 24 hour pharmacy and meandered through the diaper section. I was absolutely terrified with the whole idea of buying diapers. I would spend an hour contemplating whether or not I should buy them - made myself look like a thief for sure. Sometimes I wouldn't buy anything and I would have wasted an entire evening feeling compulsion to go out and buy... It was extraordinarily embarrassing and I hated myself for these feelings as much as I loved them... It was a battle with identity for sure - one which I still battle to this day.

I went to university when I was 23 - for a year and a half. During that time I wore diapers almost every night. I loved it. I wanted to make myself incontinent. I wanted to lose control of my bladder each night and wake up wet the next day. It was strange - but it was a very strong desire. So I practiced wetting myself at night - while laying down - while wearing a diaper. The more I did it - the more I would have accidents at night. I began to love this part of myself - despite how odd and disturbing it may seem. It was a way to self-soothe in some of the darkest times of my life. It did not hurt anyone - so I continued doing it.

I have been in therapy for many years - and not once did I ever bring this up. The first time I mentioned this in therapy was about a month ago and I only mentioned I liked to wear diapers for comfort. I plan to explore it more because I think there's a lot of information there that could explain why I am the way I am. Ultimately I believe it points to some very important aspects of my childhood that I may have blocked out. Perhaps trauma.

In my search for answers - I have found that A LOT of children have transitional objects at some point in their lives. They had to in order to fulfill their needs for love and nurture while their parents were unable to be there... Over time - people typically outgrow these things into their adulthood -and find other sources of love and nurture - replacing them with more adult-like things.

I have found that many borderlines happen to have transitional objects well into their adult lives - and that it becomes a very important aspect to their ability to self-regulate and build love for themselves. I am one of these people. Throughout my entire life I have also had a pillow case that I absolutely hate being separated from. I remember coming home from school and looking forward to lying on my bed and rubbing my pillow case between my fingers. It was amazing!

There's a lot more I could say - but I want to think about it too. Let me know if you relate to any of this. I want to hear your story too!

Thanks,
HD