I am alone with worsening depression. I'm wanting to go back to bed a lot. It's awful hard to get up in the morning. Then, at night, I am up all hours unable to sleep. Physically, I feel tired and weak. I'm starting to believe that I've lost the physical capacity to get up and get going. I feel like I want to die to escape this, but I'm not suicidal.

Most of 2013, I was improving. Since October, I've been going downhill. I'm frantic with despair that I can't pull out of this.

I do not trust my primary care doctor. He might discontinue my pain med (hydrocodone)if I tell him I'm depressed. I am breaking down sobbing every few hours. Where I get my psych med prescription is a mental health center that I don't trust. When I've gone to them on the past, they were not helpful. I feel like there is no where to turn.

Late at night, I get a jittery feeling that I have to escape. Either I get into a tub of hot water, or I take hydrocodone to make it stop. This is not what the pain med is ordered for. But whatever will take that intense nervous feeling away I will do. At times I wish I could die to stop going through this. This feels like anguish. I can't explain it.