I did envision that the stages of change information was for you to consider when trying to help him. In a sense, you are the "counselor". However, a romantic partner cannot also be a counselor, so I was thinking more of you being aware, over time, of how open he is (if at all) to change and then you acting according to the model in encouraging and supporting him in getting outside help.

You are correct in realizing that the stages of change model could apply to you as well. That was not my intent in posting, but you could definitely ask yourself how open you are to change in yourself and act accordingly.

I was so sorry to learn of the tragedy in his past. Even after all of these years, it must be an immense burden. I agree that it has been a long time to grieve, but this loss was more than the loss of a best friend. It is also the burden of guilt for actually being responsible for that loss. With that in mind, the ongoing pain becomes more understandable, at least in my mind. And you suggest that he has other pain as well. Did he ever undergo therapy in connection with this loss? I am guessing that he did not.

Prarie Girl, I admire your dedication to him and how much you follow up on suggestions posted here. If you are willing to entertain another suggestion: With this new information, I now suggest that you consider individual counseling for yourself. I now realize that you yourself are carrying a heavy load and I think that counseling could help you with that load.

ETA: He could have PTSD as a result of the accident. You/he could look into that online, there are many sites, e.g.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publi...sd/index.shtml
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-c...s/con-20022540
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/t...rder--symptoms