I don't think there's anything wrong with whatever you feel. Maybe sometime I'll share about my feeling toward my Dad. If he were in the hospital, I'm not sure if I would go.

I do a lousy job of protecting myself around him. I usually just end up feeling bad and confused around him. Sometimes I worry that when he dies, I'll feel bad that I didn't do better. But not much, I think I really do try to do what I can without setting myself up to get hurt.

As far as the Bugles go. If it were me, and I was thinking well and not totally freaking out over my Dad, I would try to think of ways to take care of myself that would make me feel good. Then if I could do some of those things, that would be great. If I couldn't, because I was anxious... well I least I tried to think of something first. And if I ended up eating to deal with the anxiety, in an ideal world, I would like to think that I would enjoy every single bite that I took and treat myself well before, during and after I ate.

I've tried beating myself up for being a terrible person and I know that doesn't work for me. I usually end up eating more when I do that.

Good luck. I know this is a hard place to be.

I'm not sure how selfish fits in. Is it selfish to want to be good to yourself and not get hurt? It doesn't sound like you're thinking only of yourself. You sound like you're weighing the situation and trying to make a good decision. Be gentle with yourself. That's my wish for you no matter what you decide.