Apologize in advance that this is long but I'm hurt, desperate and afraid.

My therapists have been wanting me to go inpatient for the past six months. I FINALLY decided to go inpatient and got a bed after about five days. I gave my reasons for going as rapid cycling for Bipolar II, severe anxiety and suicidal ideation. This was HUGE for me because I'm almost 100 percent agoraphobic without my husband. He doesn't drive so I had to drive myself 1/2 hour. Had a panic attack when I got there but forced myself to go in. They put my reason for admitting as self injury.

Met with all kinds of people, answered all kinds of questions and was admitted to the STAT I unit (highest functioning). Was scared to death but felt like I would get good medical/mental health care. The first night they weren't going to give me my Klonopin or Ambien even though I brought my empty bottles as admitting doctor had cancelled them without telling me (also cancelled my Seroquel but didn't know that then). I had a major panic attack, was hysterical and night nurse called on call PDoc who approved them as standing order. Trust broken number 1.

The next day I meet with my assigned PDoc who informs me admitting dr diagnosed me as depressed NOS, BOrderline PD, Anxiety NOS. I again freaked out because those diagnoses are VERY different in terms of severity (see signature for official diagnosis confirmed by multiple Pdocs, therapists, etc). The PDoc said she could not change what he wrote and that she never diagnosed anyone as bipolar because it was a severe mental illness! Uh what? She would determine what she thought when I left. Trust broken number 2. She did put all my medicines back. Left her office hysterical and called husband. He called charge nurse, PDoc, social worker. He told them how difficult it was for me to go there and that they had destroyed my trust in them even though I desperately needed their help. Found out Seroquel had been stopped and got them to restart it.

Leave her office hysterical and sign paper to check myself out in 72 hours - reason given - didn't trust medical staff. Found out I couldn't smoke with that signed so I rescinded it.

Next day I'm pulled out of group and meet with PDoc. She asks me if I think I need that level of care and I say yes. She says she feels I don't need 15 min bed checks, supervised smoking, etc. and that I can go home that day if I want. My husband was there for a visit and they hustled me out in an hour. They basically told me I could come back but I was better off going to my hospital's psych unit.

They just wanted me out. I feel like I need to be there. Although it was unpleasant and they misdiagnosed me - I was getting a lot out of medical care and groups in the short time I was there.

I had just accepted my diagnosis of bipolar and now I feel like I made it up or over exaggerated the hell I've been in for 18 months and all the dots we've connected over the last 30 years of being misdiagnosed. I'm seriously depressed, can't stop crying and just don't know what to do. Maybe there is nothing seriously wrong with me and I'm just a drama queen? Can't stop racing thoughts about it. My PDoc is more concerned with regression than their stupid labels.

They want me to back to IOP which is 30 hours over 3 weeks. Already did that program and didn't get anything out of it. Got more out of 1 1/2 days inpatient. Suggested Horsham's IOP (hospital I was at) which is 60 hours over 2 weeks.

If anyone's made it this long - thanks for reading!